"I don’t wanna live where weakness is a strength and pain is a compromise to live this life" --Me.
Silly, Needy, Clingy with a hint of Low Self-esteem…
Ladies, this probably describes you or someone that you know. I am TIRED, so tired, of seeing beautiful, smart, intelligent, black women fall victim to perpetuated stereotypes by men and their own effed up mindsets. I have to write about this, I see it EVERYDAY –social networks, books, LIFE. This is a plea to any woman who feels she is undeserving of OR in need of a man. (these are two different concepts). I’ve had it up to here, with the lonely tweets and needy statuses. GROW UP! Everyone has that ONE friend, who cannot FUNCTION without a man; always saying “I need a boyfriend” or “I’m so lonely”. They meet a guy and the next day, they’re making wedding plans! Then they wonder why they keep running guys off! You’re crazy! Stop looking so far into the future and focus on the NOW. You can’t even get to know the guy or show him the real you, because you’re too busy trying to formulate some ever-lasting relationship on the second day. NEWSFLASH: Not gonna happen!
Most times the smartest, most beautiful girls are the most needy and naïve. Yes, you would probably make a PERFECT girlfriend for someone, but you’re out there SEARCHING, turning over every bush and looking through every peephole. Chill, and what’s for you will be for you. Then there’s those girls that form these unbreakable emotional bonds through sex. Learn to tell the difference between being genuinely liked and just a f**k. Know what you are getting into BEFORE you take those steps, and if you’re not capable of handling it in hindsight, don’t do it! But if you ARE, then go balls in and accept/enjoy your decision, instead of crying on the phone to your girls when he disappears. Oh, and I have a CURE ALL solution for how to deal with “losing” the guy. Be able to stand on your own feet in the FIRST place. If you can’t be content in bed alone, now; watching movies alone, eating dinner alone, now, what makes you think you will be able to do it after being accustomed to someone’s company? Learn to love yourself, NO be IN love with yourself. I know it’s cliché, but truly, you can’t go looking for love from someone else if you don’t have it within. When you can truly function on your own, it is then you are ready to function with someone else. When you are in love with yourself, you demand a higher level of respect, and it will exude in your actions, causing negative treatment from a guy to be nearly impossible.
Speaking of negative treatment, my next point is this: no matter how hard we try, there are going to be men who just aren’t right, try to break us down, add us to a list, or just bide their time toying with our hearts. This is where your mindset comes in. As women, we have been programmed, essentially from birth, that we are to fall in love, serve our man, have a happy ending, blah blah blah. Sure that premise holds in ideology and in movies and books, but how many times have you witnessed it exemplified in REAL LIFE? This is where you have to be real with yourself, and begin to work on re-programming the overload of bullcrap that society has placed on our backs. This is where you say “I don’t HAVE to be that girl. I don’t HAVE to want that. Or act that way.” This is where you decide that, contrary to popular belief, being a woman does not mean needing a man. Women have this unfulfilled urge to “cuff” a dude or mark our territory. You don’t have to/need to do that, anything that’s worth anything can/will become that on it’s own. Forcing it is just going to push dude away and leave you looking stupid. Stop being naïve when you are “talking” to a guy and acting like you are the ONLY person he’s talking to. AND FELLAS, stop lying about the 20 females who you are all telling the SAME DAMN THING. People need to start being more 100% with each other and maybe some feelings can be spared in the end. Ladies, likewise, if you see he’s talking to 52 females and that’s okay FOR NOW, but you want something better in the future and you don’t think he has the potential to stop his lifestyle, stop wasting your time putting your faith and energy into something that you know isnt going anywhere.
And for the record, just cause a guy ACTS all “jealous” and like he “wants you to himself” doesn’t mean you are obligated to fall for it. That is just him fulfilling his own ego to see you get all goodly-eyed and think he actually cares. That guy who acts like you need to drop your life and become his ideal girl, try not calling him for 2 days, see if he notices? He'll be too busy feeding his ego, building his "team" andddd NOT worried about you. There's nothing that stands out more than a woman who can stand on her own two feet and will be doing the same with/or without him! I’ve OFTEN said “I’d rather be single, than go through what my friends in relationships go through” and until I find someone who sees eye-to-eye with me, holds me down like i hold him, and understands I'm not looking for some bullsh*t, bootleg, cliche' fairytale--that is just what I will be.
CONTENTLY SINGLE.
My other blog
http://genegray.tumblr.com/
"SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS…BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY…LIKE I’M LOCKED UP, NOT EVEN IN A TOWER..IN A DUNGEON..WAITING FOR A PRINCE CHARMING THAT WILL NEVER COME" --Me
Dead on Arrival
Don’t tell me to open my heart, unless you really mean it.
The depths of my soul are deep and dirty, are you willing to dive in and clean it?
Don’t look at me with false smiles and shitty grins,
To those things I’m akin,
I might even smile back, but they do nothing for me within.
I’m only going to lead you down a one-way street,
Like so many have done to me.
And believe me, I’ll leave you there, all alone,
Before I ever let you leave me.
You can’t lead me.
I can’t follow.
My heart desires waters that are shallow.
Could I ever trust you enough to lead me to sea?
Hold your breath and see…
You’ll be D.O.A –deceased.
You see…
You’ve only scratched the surface,
Go ahead, dig a little deep.
Theres so much more to me.
Than what u meet
When our eyes meet.
When Im dodging your gaze,
Cause Im afraid.
Of letting you, or anyone else in
Within.
Me.
I can easily pretend alot of things,
I can fake a few emotions,
I’m full of metaphors, good at closing doors,
But the love ish, I don’t approach it.
So can you bear with me?
What are your intentions?
I’m not into games,
Back and forth like Tennis.
There are rules to every game you play,
And I learned long ago -- the hard way,
That:
Love, don’t love,
nobody.
At least not my body,
Which embodies
All the bodies
That have vibed me
And defied me
Petrified me
Made me cry, see,
Til my eyes don’t see.
Because love,
Don’t love me.
Because just like me,
Loves been lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, taken for granted,
Abused, misused, confused, given the blues.
And I’ve been stuck in a place for so long,
With a heart so cold and dark, like a cellar,
The last time tears existed I can’t even remember.
Skin so tough, it feels like leather,
Stormy weather,
Shower me with hail,
And all hail,
He who can cause me to finally prevail.
I’m sick and I want to get well.
But for now, in my prison I’ll dwell.
Black Woman --Tupac Shakur
The day I met u I saw strength
and I knew from that point on
that u were pure woman 2 me
possessing a spirit that was strong
I want smiles 2 replace the sorrow
that u have encountered in the past
and since it was strength that attracted me 2 u
it will take strength 2 make it last
My negative side will attempt 2 change u
but please fight that with your all
it will be your strength that keep us both standing
while others around us fall
For my babies... Rest in Peace
I wanted to write a fire poem,
To commemorate my babies,
But my feelings just don’t seem to rhyme,
So I’ll just write--
Kandi,
I remember the first day I brought you home,
You weren’t even old enough, but I wanted you so bad I had to take you.
5 weeks to be exact.
You fit perfectly in the palm of my hand,
And from the first night I woke up at 4 in the morning to bottle-feed you,
I knew you were my baby.
I loved you like a mother loves her child,
Because you were mines.
Now Im scared to go to sleep
Because I know when I wake up,
I’ll roll over expecting your head to be on my pillow,
And it won’t.
You’re the one who got me accustomed to cuddling,
The reason why I hate sleeping alone in an empty bed
Or coming home to an empty house.
The reason my lonliness is at an alltime high.
Khloe,
You were a handful most of the time,
But I loved you nonetheless,
I would kill to have you leap into my lap or walk across my laptop one more time.
It’s so silent tonight,
and without the sound of you snoring
its pretty boring.
I wonder if I throw your favorite toy or those rawhide bones you loved so much,
Will you coming jumping onto the bed ready to play fetch.
Or if I get into the bubble bath will you be there resting your head on the side of the tub until I get out.
When Nia asks me “Nainee where are your babies “Tandi and To-ey”?
I’ll have to tell her they’re Jesus’ babies now, that I had to let him take care of them
Because my time was up.
Within a few hours, my life has changed,
I wanted to walk out of the hospital, bring you home and hope for the best,
But I couldn’t see you suffer.
I knew your pain was at its highest height
And yet, I keep asking myself,
Would seven grand have saved your life?
A decision to make, hard as rocks
When in reality I knew there was no choice.
It sucks you didn’t have a voice.
The only thing I heard were your eyes speaking to me as they injected you and stopped your heart—
Which stopped my heart.
Over so quickly,
And with a simple “they’re gone now” he exited the room.
But now I need a doctor,
Because my heart is hemophiliac and it won’t stop bleeding.
Staring at your pictures, at the ceiling, into space,
Hoping for a solution that can take your place.
I usually have all the answers, in every situation,
But this time, I don’t even know where to begin—
How do I grieve?
This is a storm its going to take alot to weather
I bet ya’ll are having tons of fun up in Doggy Heaven together,
Just wait for mama to get there…
The Sweetest Love Song Ever Written
I want….
To feel you…
Inside of me…
In a way, in which I witness the warmth…
Of your words…
Speech that dances and plays on the tip of your tongue,
Leaving me yearning to play along…
To engage in sensual, seductive, spine tingling…verbs.
Sensational conversation that encompasses and massages my entire being…
From the neck up…
More than willing to sacrifice the physical, just to get to know you in the mental.
I hang on to your every word, no matter the content of the conversation,
Because if you would allow me to have my way with you…
We could both be left hanging,
Basking in the depths of each others souls,
As they become one through commonalities,
And the sound of our laughter, will become the sweetest love song ever written.
Allow me…
Access into the core of your being..
One wish…
One chance…
One love…
And ONCE I’m done…I promise, you’ll be begging me for more…
More of me and you, connecting on a level, like no other…
As the tension continuously rises, until we’re floating into a climax brought about simply by each other’s presence…
Indulging in two minds, becoming one…
And just when you think you’ve had enough,
I’ll show you that…
The sound of our laughter, can become the sweetest love song ever written.
The Well
Until I find some new inspiration I'll be posting some older poems...
July 7, 2009
Someone help!
Susie’s trapped in the Well!
Well, to hell with Susie, let her stay there and dwell,
She knew the consequences way before she ever fell!
Everybody warned her what would happen if she strayed.
They preached about it, teached about it, all of her days.
But Susie decided to see what was the hype,
She had always been the “find out for yourself” type.
And though she knew better,
Her mother had taught her,
She just couldn’t resist “just testing the waters”
But the crazy thing was—
When Susie got trapped in,
Her father was there—he knew it would happen.
He pulled her right out, and gave her a hug,
And wrapped her in the warmth, of a fathers love.
But, Lord! Save me!
I fell in the well.
Im a lot like Susie, in case you can’t tell.
I knew I belonged, above those dark waters,
But fighting temptations proved to be harder.
Spent my whole life, looking in from the outside
I only knew the beach, but wanted to feel the tides.
Fell from the Word, so full of dismissing,
Its not always fun, being a teenager AND a Christian,
Opportunity knocked, there was no resisting,
“theres no way in Hell, I wont see what Im missing”…..
--And well, when I fell to dwell in that Hell,
He picked me up, dried me off, like I never fell.
It was all in His plan, he knew that He’d save me,
Cause where is the faith, when there’s no testimony?
Despite when we stray, one thing that holds true—
We are made stronger when we’re made a-new.
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