Heart&Soul: 2010

Silly, Needy, Clingy with a hint of Low Self-esteem…

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Ladies, this probably describes you or someone that you know. I am TIRED, so tired, of seeing beautiful, smart, intelligent, black women fall victim to perpetuated stereotypes by men and their own effed up mindsets. I have to write about this, I see it EVERYDAY –social networks, books, LIFE. This is a plea to any woman who feels she is undeserving of OR in need of a man. (these are two different concepts). I’ve had it up to here, with the lonely tweets and needy statuses. GROW UP! Everyone has that ONE friend, who cannot FUNCTION without a man; always saying “I need a boyfriend” or “I’m so lonely”. They meet a guy and the next day, they’re making wedding plans! Then they wonder why they keep running guys off! You’re crazy! Stop looking so far into the future and focus on the NOW. You can’t even get to know the guy or show him the real you, because you’re too busy trying to formulate some ever-lasting relationship on the second day. NEWSFLASH: Not gonna happen!

Most times the smartest, most beautiful girls are the most needy and naïve. Yes, you would probably make a PERFECT girlfriend for someone, but you’re out there SEARCHING, turning over every bush and looking through every peephole. Chill, and what’s for you will be for you. Then there’s those girls that form these unbreakable emotional bonds through sex. Learn to tell the difference between being genuinely liked and just a f**k. Know what you are getting into BEFORE you take those steps, and if you’re not capable of handling it in hindsight, don’t do it! But if you ARE, then go balls in and accept/enjoy your decision, instead of crying on the phone to your girls when he disappears. Oh, and I have a CURE ALL solution for how to deal with “losing” the guy. Be able to stand on your own feet in the FIRST place. If you can’t be content in bed alone, now; watching movies alone, eating dinner alone, now, what makes you think you will be able to do it after being accustomed to someone’s company? Learn to love yourself, NO be IN love with yourself. I know it’s cliché, but truly, you can’t go looking for love from someone else if you don’t have it within. When you can truly function on your own, it is then you are ready to function with someone else. When you are in love with yourself, you demand a higher level of respect, and it will exude in your actions, causing negative treatment from a guy to be nearly impossible.

Speaking of negative treatment, my next point is this: no matter how hard we try, there are going to be men who just aren’t right, try to break us down, add us to a list, or just bide their time toying with our hearts. This is where your mindset comes in. As women, we have been programmed, essentially from birth, that we are to fall in love, serve our man, have a happy ending, blah blah blah. Sure that premise holds in ideology and in movies and books, but how many times have you witnessed it exemplified in REAL LIFE? This is where you have to be real with yourself, and begin to work on re-programming the overload of bullcrap that society has placed on our backs. This is where you say “I don’t HAVE to be that girl. I don’t HAVE to want that. Or act that way.” This is where you decide that, contrary to popular belief, being a woman does not mean needing a man. Women have this unfulfilled urge to “cuff” a dude or mark our territory. You don’t have to/need to do that, anything that’s worth anything can/will become that on it’s own. Forcing it is just going to push dude away and leave you looking stupid. Stop being naïve when you are “talking” to a guy and acting like you are the ONLY person he’s talking to. AND FELLAS, stop lying about the 20 females who you are all telling the SAME DAMN THING. People need to start being more 100% with each other and maybe some feelings can be spared in the end. Ladies, likewise, if you see he’s talking to 52 females and that’s okay FOR NOW, but you want something better in the future and you don’t think he has the potential to stop his lifestyle, stop wasting your time putting your faith and energy into something that you know isnt going anywhere.

And for the record, just cause a guy ACTS all “jealous” and like he “wants you to himself” doesn’t mean you are obligated to fall for it. That is just him fulfilling his own ego to see you get all goodly-eyed and think he actually cares. That guy who acts like you need to drop your life and become his ideal girl, try not calling him for 2 days, see if he notices? He'll be too busy feeding his ego, building his "team" andddd NOT worried about you. There's nothing that stands out more than a woman who can stand on her own two feet and will be doing the same with/or without him! I’ve OFTEN said “I’d rather be single, than go through what my friends in relationships go through” and until I find someone who sees eye-to-eye with me, holds me down like i hold him, and understands I'm not looking for some bullsh*t, bootleg, cliche' fairytale--that is just what I will be.

CONTENTLY SINGLE.

My other blog

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http://genegray.tumblr.com/

"SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS…BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY…LIKE I’M LOCKED UP, NOT EVEN IN A TOWER..IN A DUNGEON..WAITING FOR A PRINCE CHARMING THAT WILL NEVER COME" --Me

Dead on Arrival

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Don’t tell me to open my heart, unless you really mean it.

The depths of my soul are deep and dirty, are you willing to dive in and clean it?

Don’t look at me with false smiles and shitty grins,

To those things I’m akin,

I might even smile back, but they do nothing for me within.

I’m only going to lead you down a one-way street,

Like so many have done to me.

And believe me, I’ll leave you there, all alone,

Before I ever let you leave me.

You can’t lead me.

I can’t follow.

My heart desires waters that are shallow.

Could I ever trust you enough to lead me to sea?

Hold your breath and see…

You’ll be D.O.A –deceased.

You see…

You’ve only scratched the surface,

Go ahead, dig a little deep.

Theres so much more to me.

Than what u meet

When our eyes meet.

When Im dodging your gaze,

Cause Im afraid.

Of letting you, or anyone else in

Within.

Me.

I can easily pretend alot of things,

I can fake a few emotions,

I’m full of metaphors, good at closing doors,

But the love ish, I don’t approach it.

So can you bear with me?

What are your intentions?

I’m not into games,

Back and forth like Tennis.

There are rules to every game you play,

And I learned long ago -- the hard way,

That:

Love, don’t love,

nobody.

At least not my body,

Which embodies

All the bodies

That have vibed me

And defied me

Petrified me

Made me cry, see,

Til my eyes don’t see.

Because love,

Don’t love me.

Because just like me,

Loves been lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, taken for granted,

Abused, misused, confused, given the blues.

And I’ve been stuck in a place for so long,

With a heart so cold and dark, like a cellar,

The last time tears existed I can’t even remember.

Skin so tough, it feels like leather,

Stormy weather,

Shower me with hail,

And all hail,

He who can cause me to finally prevail.

I’m sick and I want to get well.

But for now, in my prison I’ll dwell.

Black Woman --Tupac Shakur

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The day I met u I saw strength

and I knew from that point on

that u were pure woman 2 me

possessing a spirit that was strong

I want smiles 2 replace the sorrow

that u have encountered in the past

and since it was strength that attracted me 2 u

it will take strength 2 make it last

My negative side will attempt 2 change u

but please fight that with your all

it will be your strength that keep us both standing

while others around us fall

For my babies... Rest in Peace

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I wanted to write a fire poem,

To commemorate my babies,

But my feelings just don’t seem to rhyme,

So I’ll just write--

Kandi,

I remember the first day I brought you home,

You weren’t even old enough, but I wanted you so bad I had to take you.

5 weeks to be exact.

You fit perfectly in the palm of my hand,

And from the first night I woke up at 4 in the morning to bottle-feed you,

I knew you were my baby.

I loved you like a mother loves her child,

Because you were mines.

Now Im scared to go to sleep

Because I know when I wake up,

I’ll roll over expecting your head to be on my pillow,

And it won’t.

You’re the one who got me accustomed to cuddling,

The reason why I hate sleeping alone in an empty bed

Or coming home to an empty house.

The reason my lonliness is at an alltime high.

Khloe,

You were a handful most of the time,

But I loved you nonetheless,

I would kill to have you leap into my lap or walk across my laptop one more time.

It’s so silent tonight,

and without the sound of you snoring

its pretty boring.

I wonder if I throw your favorite toy or those rawhide bones you loved so much,

Will you coming jumping onto the bed ready to play fetch.

Or if I get into the bubble bath will you be there resting your head on the side of the tub until I get out.

When Nia asks me “Nainee where are your babies “Tandi and To-ey”?

I’ll have to tell her they’re Jesus’ babies now, that I had to let him take care of them

Because my time was up.

Within a few hours, my life has changed,

I wanted to walk out of the hospital, bring you home and hope for the best,

But I couldn’t see you suffer.

I knew your pain was at its highest height

And yet, I keep asking myself,

Would seven grand have saved your life?

A decision to make, hard as rocks

When in reality I knew there was no choice.

It sucks you didn’t have a voice.

The only thing I heard were your eyes speaking to me as they injected you and stopped your heart—

Which stopped my heart.

Over so quickly,

And with a simple “they’re gone now” he exited the room.

But now I need a doctor,

Because my heart is hemophiliac and it won’t stop bleeding.

Staring at your pictures, at the ceiling, into space,

Hoping for a solution that can take your place.

I usually have all the answers, in every situation,

But this time, I don’t even know where to begin—

How do I grieve?

This is a storm its going to take alot to weather

I bet ya’ll are having tons of fun up in Doggy Heaven together,

Just wait for mama to get there…

The Sweetest Love Song Ever Written

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I want….
To feel you…
Inside of me…
In a way, in which I witness the warmth…
Of your words…
Speech that dances and plays on the tip of your tongue,
Leaving me yearning to play along…
To engage in sensual, seductive, spine tingling…verbs.
Sensational conversation that encompasses and massages my entire being…
From the neck up…
More than willing to sacrifice the physical, just to get to know you in the mental.
I hang on to your every word, no matter the content of the conversation,
Because if you would allow me to have my way with you…
We could both be left hanging,
Basking in the depths of each others souls,
As they become one through commonalities,
And the sound of our laughter, will become the sweetest love song ever written.

Allow me…
Access into the core of your being..
One wish…
One chance…
One love…
And ONCE I’m done…I promise, you’ll be begging me for more…
More of me and you, connecting on a level, like no other…
As the tension continuously rises, until we’re floating into a climax brought about simply by each other’s presence…
Indulging in two minds, becoming one…
And just when you think you’ve had enough,
I’ll show you that…
The sound of our laughter, can become the sweetest love song ever written.

The Well

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Until I find some new inspiration I'll be posting some older poems...

July 7, 2009

Someone help!

Susie’s trapped in the Well!

Well, to hell with Susie, let her stay there and dwell,

She knew the consequences way before she ever fell!

Everybody warned her what would happen if she strayed.

They preached about it, teached about it, all of her days.

But Susie decided to see what was the hype,

She had always been the “find out for yourself” type.

And though she knew better,

Her mother had taught her,

She just couldn’t resist “just testing the waters”

But the crazy thing was—

When Susie got trapped in,

Her father was there—he knew it would happen.

He pulled her right out, and gave her a hug,

And wrapped her in the warmth, of a fathers love.

But, Lord! Save me!

I fell in the well.

Im a lot like Susie, in case you can’t tell.

I knew I belonged, above those dark waters,

But fighting temptations proved to be harder.

Spent my whole life, looking in from the outside

I only knew the beach, but wanted to feel the tides.

Fell from the Word, so full of dismissing,

Its not always fun, being a teenager AND a Christian,

Opportunity knocked, there was no resisting,

“theres no way in Hell, I wont see what Im missing”…..

--And well, when I fell to dwell in that Hell,

He picked me up, dried me off, like I never fell.

It was all in His plan, he knew that He’d save me,

Cause where is the faith, when there’s no testimony?

Despite when we stray, one thing that holds true—

We are made stronger when we’re made a-new.

Music

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The saying goes, to each his own,

A stack of notebooks, filled with poems,

Some make beats,

But I make tones,

Word play on the page like a saxophone,

A rhythm I like to call my own,

A pen and a page,

Now, baby, let’s bone.

Let’s make sweet music all night long,

As the clock tick tocks ‘til the break of dawn,

I’ll be caressing this page with my sweet love song.

It feels so right,

So it can’t be wrong.

Damn, I’m on,

I must prolong,

Cause to quit on this ish,

I can’t condone.

Like a lost child, without a home,

Me, without words, I couldn’t go on…

the sweetest escape i've ever known....

Do you believe in Fairy Tales??

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“Why am I alone? Am I not good enough?”

Sadly, I’ve heard this TOO many times. If you’re asking yourself any of these questions. The answer could very easily be, no, you’re not good enough. But wait, before the guards go up , I’m speaking in the sense that maybe you have not prepared yourself for an actual relationship and just what that means. Many times you can become caught up in the IDEA of a relationship and not really even consider what may come with the actual relationship. As women, we have been programmed to search for our soulmate, constantly want to be with someone, feel loved, etc etc. However in order to not have your heart trampled on, you have to realize once and for all, that fairy tales were only good when we were kids. The real deal is that most men are not Prince Charming and most relationships are not going to end HappilyEverAfter! When wondering if you are ready for a relationship, ask yourself: Am I ready to give up who I am for a guy? Ready to be naïve? Ready to be made to feel inferior? Am I ready for all the negative that comes with the single positive of “I feel good because I’m with someone”, even if that person is scum of the Earth. Are you ready for what I like to call, the vicious circle that comes with immature guys and sub-par relationships, meaning the continuous bad with a little good thrown in there to keep you around, or the simple cycle of dating with no progression.

Don’t get me wrong I am in NO way speaking on all relationships and these are MY personal beliefs. I have an older sister who is engaged to an awesome, God-fearing man and I truly believe their relationship is blessed and will genuinely work out. However, in my eyes, there is about a 5% chance that the rest of us will find this.

Call me cynical or pessimistic if you want. But sit back an actually think about what I’m saying and you’ll see that there is plenty of truth and validity to my claims. A lot of my close friends are guys and simply through spending time with them, I continue to lose hope daily (lol). But seriously, although I love them to death, they show me that guys just aren’t ready to be men and the way their minds operate are not conducive to what most women seek and need in a relationship, which isn’t helped by the fact that most women are silly and needy—but that’s a topic for another post.

Sometimes I ask myself these questions and I seek daily to answer them:

What if there really ISNT someone for everyone. What if some of us are just destined to be alone, no matter how beautiful, smart, or great of a person we are?
Just because the concept of Soulmates exists, does that mean we are destined to find ours, or is it just lucky for us if we just-so happen to do so?

Personally, I’m not ready for all the work a relationship takes and the thought of commitment doesn’t sit well with me. I can simply wake up in the morning and not want to be with a person anymore, it’s happened before and I still feel the pain of unnecessarily hurting people in my past relationships. What is it within me that makes that happen, I don’t know. Often times, I adopt a pre-emptive mindset, where I will either make it impossible for you to hurt me, by kicking you out of my life, or I will hurt you first.

Im beginning to ramble. More to come later.

Live Life.

Just a thought

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How can I be open to receive, the love you’re trying to give me

When Im running from it--hiding from it,

In all this non-sense and nobody’s.

Always looking for someone to prove me right about the negativity.

When all you want to do is prove me wrong and show me positivity.

And ambiguously,

I falter, flying with the wind, just to soar with the crows below you,

Because you’re so high above me, above them, above this.

And it scares me.

Summer 2010

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So, it's summertime, I figure I have alot more time on my hands, and even more thoughts. I don't really want to put them all down as poetry, so I think I just start doing freewrites. However, it's usually pretty hard for me to keep it condensed in that way because I'll go on and on and on into infinity. Honestly, I don't really know where to start without it being super random. Let's see...summer classes start the end of next week. I still don't have a job. No love interests at all. Social networks and parties have pretty much been my life for the past few weeks. But i do think it will be a great summer, nonetheless.

Shades of Gray

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Im up late and these are just random thoughts I thought I'd construct another poem out of...this really applies to alot of different things..enjoy.

Shades of Gray…

I cant change the world.
I cant even change you.
Hell, I can barely change myself.

I cant promise you anything, promising only that I know you don’t do well with promises, and the only thing that’s promised is the fact that you might not be here tomorrow.

And so, I guess im selfish...because it's times like these when i just wanna be held...that i realize the only one to hold me is myself....so i put my thoughts on paper and my heart on the shelf.

And I hope it wont perish, because your expiration date came all too soon. All too sudden. All too real, repetitive…. Yet, expected. There is no way to neglect it. The bare reality that we both know, we all know, but noone speaks on it.

I don’t need you to try to understand me.
I don’t try to understand myself.
I don’t need you to want me to need you.
You’re not a necessity.

But, will you be here tomorrow?

Nothing is black and white.
And too many times, it’s those shades of gray, that paint a seemingly authentic façade. But, I’ve learned, that facades are only for cowards, like you, who fear authenticity. And authentically, you paint these shades of gray around your world.

I don’t object. I’ll just let you learn.

A Pessimist, Realist Love Poem

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Pessimist’s don’t write love poems,

Instead we write realities.

The everyday sorrows that everyone is afraid to speak of.

The fear that there is no hope for tomorrow.

Pessimists don’t write love poems,

Instead we write realities.

The truths about a world where pain is a compromise for false, dependent happiness,

And peace of mind is synonymous to lack of mind.

You see, a pessimist, realist love poem,

Would cry out, but wishing there were tears,

So we could feel human again.

Wishing that something within us,

would allow us,

blind faith and trust,

in something as surreal as love.

But a pessimist, realist,

Knows better….

Sanity!

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Ricochet, bang, bang
Boomerang,
All in vain.
Give me back my Sanity.

Not black, nor white,
Minus the beauty of the rainbow,
All is gray.
Give me back my Sanity.

As my words pierce the page,
Like a new piece of metal ran deep through my skin,
Yet, once again,
Circles, pitfalls, bittersweet rainfall.
Give me back my Sanity.

It could all be so simple,
But you’d rather make it hard,
Deeper than the soul in a Lauryn Hill song.
Just give me back my Sanity.

…Or watch me slowly diminish,
until I’m left with nothing but the urge,
to run,
run fast and far,
away from this insanity.
Into the quiet, peaceful night,
Until it turns to day,
And I can finally bask in the glory,
Of….birds of love, winds of redemption, and genuine flowers of happiness,
Letting the warmth of an all-too-perfect Sun, embrace me,
Overshadowing the dark past,
Wrapping its sweet rays around my waist.

But…until the clouds lift and the tearmarks on my notebook fade,
I will continue to plead,

Give me back my Sanity!

No More Morphine

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I cried, again, last night,
Except there were no tears,
No sobs could be heard,
They’ve all been reserved,
By a mind come to realize that crying’s absurb.

I slept, again, last night,
On a pillow of old tears, knitted by you,
Wrapped in the quilt of your guilt,
But my hurt, was the only thing that kept me warm.

I dreamt, again, last night,
But this time there was no nightmare of you being here,
Yes, no nightmare of an unauthentic happiness,
No fear crippled by blind trust.

There was only the sweet escape offered to me by the knowledge of the truth,
Sad, yet, real,
Cold like steel,
And still,
I won’t run from my dreams,
Because they show me, subconsciously,
That pain and love, are make believe,
Nothing more than figments of a naïve imagination.
Neither can exist without the other.
And neither exists.
They are simply words, notions made up to give meaning to something that cant be defined, understood, or controlled.
Accept it.
Take my morphine away, and don’t tell me there’s hope,
Give me an I.V. full of reality,
I wish you could see, what I see….

Unititled

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Palms sweatin, Mind racin, contemplatin,

when i see you

even if its in my mind

its like time,

stops. freezes. just for a second.

then reality again,

the brick wall that says it’ll never be,

let’s face it,

you and me,

have a destiny,

to be just friends,

cause you’ll never see me,

the way i see you,

true. genuine. suave.

man,

here i go again,

caught up in thoughts of you

makin me blue

what should i do?

give me a clue.

Me + you

Cause from the moment I met you I knew.

Spinnin, twirlin, twilight zone

You got me in the mix

Caught up in your scent

I remember it from way back when

When I met you

How long ago was that?

Not too long

But still, My mind is gone

Im spinnin ’round

In my emotions I drown

Im losin it,

Whats happenin?

You strapped me in

But never told me bout the ride

Never said I’d be inside

This bubble that im in

Wonderin…

Dang what could we have

What could we do

Take the world be storm

Me and you

We’d make a helluva team

As we dream

Fulfill this prophesy

Take on any obstacle, you see?

Think it could be?

Ha ha – maybe we’ll see…..

But Angels Still Whisper

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My big sis posted a status that got me thinking: "Somethings in life have the Humpty Dumpty effect once they are broken they are never the same, either the pieces don't fall back into place or if they do you can still see the cracks in it!"...and this is what i came up with:

But Angels Still Whisper

This humpty dumpty heart of mine
Pieces lying on the floor
Hard as stone
Cold as ice
Beat beat beat
Flatline.
But angels still whisper “be still”.

Its not ur fault im broken
Its my fault I let u break me.
A thousand pieces,
For who to collect?
Scattered in the wind.
My loss, for your win
But angels still whisper “be patient”.

Trapped in the fog,
Wrapped in the mist,
Torn and tattered,
Dismissed.
A bittersweet elixir, the devil’s kiss.
Panic.
But angels still whisper “fret not”.

Black magic? No, black makeup smeered,
A dripping façade, oasis of tears.
A face covered in grief,
Disbelief,
Staring at a heart that used to be whole,
Until you held it.
But angels still whisper “seek peace“.

A heart once worth far more than rubies,
Rubbish,
What happened to, you break it, you buy it?
You owe me.
Who’s going to compensate,
the price I paid for lies that you sold me.
But angels still tell me “I am with you always”.

Valentine's Day Slam

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I actually forgot to post this a while back. It's a slam poem, so it's probably better to HEAR it than read it and i've edited the profanity (i guess you could call it, the radio version lol)...Oh well here it is:

Valentines Day Slam

Baby,
Ima lean reaaaal close,
And whisper in your ear….
Cause all Ive got to say is…

Eff Valentines day.
Eff the flowers, the roses,
Kisses on noses,
Love letters by the doses,
It stinks like halitosis.
And too often, these hoes just,
Suck it up like osmosis.
I think its atrocious –-

That you need a time,
A reason,
A particular season
To tell me you love me.
And I sayyy
Why cant you love me everyday?
All I want you to do is show me in everyway.

But when posin that question,
I lack my disgression
And really what im sayin is:
Lie to me,
Tell me all the things I want to hear,
Like you love me,
You care,
You noticed I changed my hair,
Or These jeans look good,
(With you in them)
Or You think that we should…
Flirt with the fires of our warm embraces
Until the oxygen of our breathing causes chemical stasis
But in all actuality that’s only one phase of this,
Because you and i…
Aint ish to each other.
When we talking to our friends we keep dissing each other.
Cause I know on my end, never caught missin a brother.
Fallin head over heels for u, upsettin my mother,
When while im thinking of you, you probably kissin another.

I don’t have to sit
And pretend that you’re it
by putting up with your ish
Because im not, that chick.

See, I refuse, to be caught up in fairytales and lullabyes,
Because love, trust, and monogamy ,
Like santa clause,the toothfairy, and those kind of things
Are of the past.
Memories and dreams that shouldn’t last,
Once you’ve passed,
The age of seven.

See there were Two hearts beating,
My heart bleeding,
Your heart leaving,
Now im screaming.. “eff you” all of you..
Cause I put all of me
Into everything
every situation, with patience, I waited
gambling,
but never again will I let loves chips stack
Cant get into loving somebody like that
Cause I mess around and take a risk, not getting it back.
It’s a fact,
Roger that?
As I whisper in your ear,
And let you know that—

Love doesn’t exist.
Please, just let my words stick,
Soak them into your being,
Get them under your skin,
Like melanin.
And then…
Maybe you’ll answer my call,
Console my cries,
convince me to try,
to believe again.
Convert me,
Like an atheist turned to Christianity,
Like a muslim or Buddhist,
Give me no choice but to choose—this.
Us.
And instead of using your charm to make me blush,
Step up to the plate, and be a man, start making me trust.

That’s it.
That’s all I want.
Someone to prove to me,
That what I believe about love isn’t true, you see.

Heart&Soul

"I don’t wanna live where weakness is a strength and pain is a compromise to live this life" --Me.

Poets Never Sleep

SpokenWord

SpokenWord2

Silly, Needy, Clingy with a hint of Low Self-esteem…

My other blog

Dead on Arrival

Black Woman --Tupac Shakur

For my babies... Rest in Peace

The Sweetest Love Song Ever Written

The Well

Music

Do you believe in Fairy Tales??

Just a thought

Summer 2010

Shades of Gray

A Pessimist, Realist Love Poem

Sanity!

No More Morphine

Unititled

But Angels Still Whisper

Valentine's Day Slam

About Me

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